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I am Back!!! =D
Listen
Today I seriously debated whether or not to quit Student Government, and then a friend told me what I already knew but didn’t want to say. Why should I stop doing something I love to do because I meet ass wholes along the way? However this still changes nothing, I am still in the same empty bubble I was in yesterday and the day before. Frustrated, and even more angry; I am so surprised that I did not explode that I didn’t scream at the top of my lungs “LOOK AT ME” because it doesn’t matter what happened or what didn’t happen. What matters is the way I feel and the fact that I needed to get things off my chest. Is it wrong to want to be able to sleep and eat and just be without feel like you’re under the water awake and drowning? Wishing every second that you could scream for help but every scream is muffled by the sucking tides and the empty hugs of the waves crashing over head and while the pain builds and builds destroying every part of what makes me human, what makes me who I am and turns me into a Zombie that ends up whipped, useless, and heartless. That people like him walk all over to get where they want to be without for a second looking back, without ever caring or wondering how what they do affects the world around them. “It’s not about you” “that’s just how it is” “Its just life, get over it” and my personal favorite “that’s politics for you”. Well It is about me, I don’t give a damn just how it is, Yah well it’s my life you get over it, fuck you and fuck your politics!!! “Don’t take everything so personal” this time it is personal, this time it is about me because it happened to me, I tried explaining, I tried but the only thing I am left with is a body full of anger and a mind full of hurt. You are not who I thought you were, you hide behind your nice clothes and your well rehearsed speeches wanting not to change the world but to build your own case and laugh at the people below you as they scramble around with no clue as to who you really are and what you really can do. I believed every world you ever said to me, because I thought you were “perfect” intelligent, ambitious, and all around a wonderful person. I am known for being a bad judge of character; however I have never epically failed like this. I am angry, I am hurt and most importantly I am not finished. I can’t change how I feel, just like you can’t change who you are. I am lost between what I thought I knew and what I think you know. All I wanted was ten minutes and a conversation that didn’t leave me ready and waiting to fall deep within the sounds of screams that no one but I can hear. I waited and waited for light to shine and the only thing that I was given was a flashlight, a flashlight with dying batteries and if the batteries do die as I know they will I will be gone as well. Drifting farther and farther below, below the mountain I once owned but now am prisoner to. Imprisoned by my own anger, hurt and fear that I will never get to say what I wanted to say, that my words will reach your ears and that you will never be able to look at me knowing what I have said. I know we could never be anything other than what we are. If I even knew what we were? I am done being the person everyone can yell at I am done being the girl that doesn’t yell back I am done just taking and taking things from people that have no right to scream at me or scold me. I am Stronger than I look, my life is falling apart right in front of my eyes and I can no sooner save a piece of it then tell you how I feel.. All I know is that I am still here, I am still me, and damn it I still need to talk to you, so shut up and listen.